This blog post is featured from a past "Ask Oriana" submission question, submitted for the Wildwood Window newsletter. You can submit your own questions here.
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Question:
Hi, My son will almost be 2 in September. His dad has been in and out of his life since being born. I’m just tired of the inconsistency. Should I just cut him out of his life permanently?
-AB
AB,
I would like to start by letting you know I am sending you so much love and light. I think that it is clear that through these few words you have submitted, that you have had to dig deep and find strength to walk the journey you are on.
Co-parenting is never easy or simple, especially if your partner isn't stepping up like they should.
I would like you to ask yourself a few things.
Firstly, is this person a safe space?
Regardless of how often he is in and out of your child's life, it's important that you consider how he is when he is present. Does he care for your child? Is your child safe with him? Is there any big red flags like anger control problems, substance abuse, etc. If he came to be with your son, and you ran to the grocery store, would you feel comfortable with him being able to provide for your son during that short time?
Is he a safe person for you to be around? Other adults? Are there any verbal abuse tendancies, is there a level of respect, can you share a coffe with him comfortably? Sometimes abusive adults are kind to the children in their life, but not to other adults. In which case, you have to assume if he can not be a safe person for adults to be around, then he is not a safe person for children regardless of how good he might seem with them. Charisma does not equal saftey.
If he is not a safe person to be around, you need to ask yourself if you are ready to go through a legal battle for custody rights. If you try to cut him out of your childs life, even if he is not a huge part of it right now, the pressure and finality of that decision may evoke an unplesent reaction from him and might require legal assitance. If he is interested in coparenting, legal assitance might be a good thing to pursue regardless of what you choose.
That being said, maybe he is a safe place, able to care for your child, but is choosing not to. Or choosing to do it on his time. Maybe he has commitment issues, or is flakey, or just isn't showing up or showing intrest in being the dad you want him to be for your son.
Consider a few things.
Have you given him the opportuity to show up?
Sometimes if we have had a broken relationship with someone, we can write them off and assume the worst of them, or let our annoyance override their capability.
If there is stress and strain in your own communication with him, if your heartbreak or past serves as a big obstacle, he may not feel ready to face that to spend time with your son.
The inconvinnece of inconsitancy sucks.
If he is not a safe space, cutting him out is an important and hard decision, but may come with legal issues.
If he is a safe space, cutting him out may make you feel better short term, but may make things worse for you if legal issues come up, or if your son has questions later on.
If he is a safe space, here is what I reccomend.
Set strong boundaries for yourself. Do not fall into patterns of being in and out of a romantic relationship with this man. Keep things unemotional as possible. You are the main parent to your son at this time, which means you are capable and allowed to make boundaries.
Consider letting go of expectations, and allowing him to give what he is willing to give. He is not going to be what you want him to be. Hes going to show up in the way he desires to.
Sometimes letting go of the expectations, can allow us to see things objectivly. If he is not putting energy into maintaining a relationship with your son, it is his loss. Your son will feel that loss too, but if you can support him through that, it can be endurable.
You will be a constant for your son. You will be his parent, regardless of how this other person is acting. You are enough. Life is full of grief and we can not shield our children from it all. We can only do our best and be beside them to weather those storms. What we don't want, is for strain to press on your relationship with your son. We don't want to make a choice out of anger or deep emotion here. We want to make this choice out of rational thinking, instinct, and wisdom.
Maintain an open conversation with your son as he grows. Don't talk badly about this person in front of your son. But do talk about him. Talk to your son about what love looks like, talk to him about how to set boundaries and keep himself safe. If you choose to keep that relationship door open, talk to your son about what that looks like, and how you can make the best of it.
As your son grows, he is going to have questions. He is going to want to know his dad. Or know why his dad is absent. You might not have all the answers, but allow him to ask anyway. Open yourself to this conversation to maintain the trust and love in your own relationship with your son. I also highly reccomned being open to and talking about the option of therapy, for yourself and for your son. Make sure your son is around people who are going to hold space for him, around other boys and men who go to therapy, or who can be open, and maintain healthy inner lives. Let him know that therapy support is an option if you ever see him struggling. Talk about it, so it doesn't become a stigma or a taboo.
Only you can make this choice, only you know whats best for you and your son. I have personally had to cut people out of my sons life who proved to be unsafe. It was HARD. I wish I had done it sooner. Because as your son grows, he grows stronger attatchments. Cutting someone out while they are little is a lot easier then doing it when they are older and don't understand why they can't see this person anymore.
However, if the father is a safe space, and it's just complicated, and it is safe for your son to have a relationship with him, I would consider keeping that door open. And also preparing yourself. Be the soft landing. The safe home. The palce where questions can be honored and answered and feelings can be shared.
There are no easy paths or answers. But I truly wish you peace, and encourage you to seek support during this time. Motherhood is hard, and even harder when those who are meant to be our support, are abesent. What you are doing is important, you are important, and valuble, and enough. Keep going mama. And please reach out anytime for individual support.
Thank you for sumitting your question, I wish I could better solve this and give you a good clear answer, but hopefully I could aid in at least opening some of the diologe and options for you. I would suggest seeking out a therapist, making time to meditate on your options, and moving forward in confidence with whatever choice you make. Choose a path, and be consistant, and take strength dear one. Sending my love and support.
-Your Wildwood Birthkeeper, CordeliaGrey Oriana Allen
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